Swollen... again :)

Hello everyone,
I'm gonna say that on every post of mine, instead of dear diary, because I have readers now (YAYYYY !!! Thanks to PK ). I want to thank you  all who have come by my blog, and especially who have leave me comments. That was a great courage for me to continue and to try more on writing blog.

Now is our journey update.
On Saturday, I wrote and email to my husband, explaining my need for spanking, for discipline and for being taken in hand. I also wrote about the rules that I will follow (obey, respect, safety, control my mood and words...etc), and what I hope he can do for me (most about the consistency). It wasn't the first time I sent him an email about this, but since we stopped practicing DD for quite a while, I hope I could make it clear, like a new start.
When he was reading the email, I felt so embarassing and could hardly look at him. Fortunately, he didn't read for long time. Then, he agreed with all the things I've written in that email. So, he will spank me for these offense:
- Disobey
- Disrespect
- Not taking good care of our daughter, and myself
- Being mouthy, sassy, cranky
Other rules might be added in the future as he see fit. I will also have to note all my offense and email to him every week. We'll have a "maintenance" every weekend, which can be a nice spanking followed by making love, if I'm good over the week, and can be further punishment (severe spanking) if I'm naughty.
So, rules have been made, I just wait to see how we'll do that.

Actually, I've had my first maintenance spanking yesterday. It was both for maintenance and for punishment (as he's threaten when I was being too cranky and annoyed ). Since we live with my parents and my sister's family, we don't have privacy in our home. So we've decided to rent a motel room for several hours every week to do that.
We arrived at the motel at the afternoon. I was nervous, both because of the coming spanking and the fact that we were not at home. But luckily, the hotel's room was kinda like sound-proofed, and we also turned aloud the TV.
He made me take off my pants and panties, lied on a pillow, so my bottom was lifted a bit. We don't have many implements, just have one that looks a bit like a ruler, but a bit thicker and not flat. I both hate and like that implement, for the same reason : it easily makes my bottom swollen that i can feel the spanking for several hours or several days after.
He started spanking at a moderate speed, and moderate force, but it still hurt a lot. After several dozens of swats, he told me "warm up is over". There they came... the volley of strong swats that make me squirmed a lot, I could only said "OW, OW, OW... please..please", couldn't even answer when he scolded me.
The spankings lasted like half an hour with 2 short breaks. What an intense feeling ! During the breaks, he made me kneel besides the bed, showing my red bottom to him, and sometimes got some random swats from him. I was filled with mixed feelings : embarassing, pain, submissive, and even a little of happiness that he didn't go easy on me.
My bottom was swollen, swollen a lot after the spanking, and had the color of angry red almost purple. I even had to lie on my belly on a while because it hurt too much when  i lied on my back or when I sat down.
But, I still haven't cried... Sometimes I felt I was close to cry, but couldn't. Maybe because he didn't scold me much, or the offense was a little far from the spanking... I don't know. But it was the nice start for us.

Today I went to work with my sore butt, which is still swollen, and still hurt each time i sat down. Everytime I sat down, or stand up and walking, my sore bottom reminds me of my husband, and I feel butterflies in my stomach again. I still don't know if he will keep the consistency and the strictness or not, but I don't want to try him... at least not anytime soon :-p (my husband always say that I only behave when my bottom are still sore ... let's see... :-p)

Figuring DD out

Although we have practicing DD for almost 3 years, but we still struggling on the first stage of it. Many things jumped in and we couldn't do it continuously. So, it seemed like we just started over again every several months. It's so frustrating and tiring.
Another reason that we couldn't improve in DD maybe our personality. My husband is not really a dominant person. Well, sometimes he does, but not all the time. He's like an easy-going person. He doesn't mind much things, especially things he feels not a big problem. A lot of my behavior I could consider as annoying and punishable for him are just normal things, or easy to let go. But that personality of him did help us much on avoiding argues.
Moreover, even when my husband is annoyed, or pissed, or angry, he doesn't usually express himself, just keeps all inside and keeps silent. That's the thing I hate the most about him. I want him to talk out what he is thinking, I want him to scold me when I do something wrong, I want him to punish me if I make him pissed. But.... *sigh* it seems not natural for him to do that. And it's so frustrating when you want to communicate but your husband just keep the cold.
And about me, although I really want to be submissive, my inner-soul (don't know which word to use) craving to be submissive, but originally, I'm more like the dominant type lol ... I'm used to tell people what and how to do, used to express all my thought, used to have things in my control. That seems so confusing. How can I both  a dominant type and want to be submissive at the same time? It makes things really hard for me to try to be submissive. Actually, I only want to be submissive to my husband, follow his rules (if he would make them =.= ), be under his control, be taken in hand... So can I keep control to everything else, like at work, and also be submissive to only my husband ?
I've read many blogs about DD, and I think trying to be submissive to him, no fight, no argue, trying to give up control to him... might help my husband to be more dominant, more used to taking control. Is that right?
But easier said than done... still struggling so much...

A spanking promised

Yesterday night, I still felt so cranky, so irritate. I got angry, annoyed and snap at everyone. When we got to bed, I felt so insecure, so uncomfortable, I wanted to cry so much.  I really don't want to be like that, because Marc doesn't like me like that, and most of the times he just annoyed and keep silent to me. I hate that, I hate when the cold built up around us. Every time it happens, I'm so sad that I make my husband annoyed, and scared to death that he might get bored and left me sometimes. That's my most terrible nightmare.

But yesterday, Marc hugged me in his arms, and ask if I was ok. I said i was feeling so uncomfortable and annoyed. I also said sorry to him about that. And I got this : "You don't need to say sorry. Just wait when we get home. The severe of the spanking will depend on how you behave." My heart jumped. Even though that was what I hoped to get, but when I got the threat, it still made knots in my stomach.

Despite what he has said, I still don't know if I can make 2 more days go smoothly. I'm so tired, emotionally. I'm trying to hold myself back and stay calm in every situation. But gees, this is HARD.

craving

I'm craving for spankings, and craving for intimacy. We're on a holiday in a small apartment with the whole family and we can't have any privacy. At home, we don't have much privacy, and I can almost sure everyone in the house could hear the spanking sound each time we do it, but at least we have our own room.
The holiday has been fun for the kids, mine and my sister's, but for me it was too tiring, and I got pissed and angry a lot. It's worse when i'm in my emotional period, in which I need a spanking at least once a day... Actually I think of spanking almost all the time.
Rambling time ... I need a hard spanking ! I need to get out of my irritated mood ! I need my husband to take charge ! I need him to be my boss !!!!
End rambling...

Swollen

Dear diary,
I've had my spanking, actually it was 2 spankings. The spanking was for staying up late (sneaky staying up late after Marc has slept). My bottom still had 1 sore spot from the previous days' spankings, but I compromised myself, tried not to protest and just accepted the hard swats applied on my bottom.
But why, why when I have made up my mind so well to just accept it, Marc went easy on me ? The spanking lasted not very long, and I felt really pissed because of the unjust spanking. I have to admit, it hurts a lot, a lot, but despite scared of the pain, I still hope I could be punished hard for my disobey....
After the short spanking, Marc asked me to kneel beside the bed for a while, showing my spanked bottom. But I was very frustrated because of the unjust punishment, so I argued with him. Actually I tried to argue with him, tried to protest, tried to fight with the hope that he will punish me more. I even bit him on his arm ! What a brat I was !
But that lead to nowhere, I felt really bad, not only because I felt I wasn't punished "right", but also because of feeling bad about my attitude toward my husband. I decided to admit to him, I told him I needed to be punished more. He seemed surprised about that, because he thought I was hurt a lot... But since privacy was the problem for us, he felt uncomfortable to continue, worried that someone might hear (actually I think everyone in the house which wasn't asleep could hear the sound of the spanking). So, we went to bed, I told him something about the unjust spanking, that I needed him to be strict and consistent with me. I tried to sleep, but couldn't.
After a while, when I gave up on hoping he would continue, he asked me :
- Are you still feeling uncomfortable ?
I nodded and whispered : "Yes"
- So, get up - He told me.
And there we went to the bathroom to continue our session. I bent over in the bathroom, pink bottom bared, and Marc started spanking hard right from the beginning.
SWAT,SWAT,SWAT,SWAT
- When you feel you need more, ask for it right away SWAT,SWAT , right here, SWAT, SWAT
OK? SWAT, SWAT, SWAT
- Never wait till everything is done SWAT SWAT SWTA and then tell me it's not enough,SWAT SWAT
understand? SWAT SWAT?
After that was the rain of hard swats landing on my poor bottom, knowing my fault, I tried not to move, not to protest, not to put my hand back, until he said it was done.
I went to bed with both my cheeks red, swollen and sore. I said to Marc :
- Thank you very much. I love you.
He said
- I love you too. Remember to behave.
And we spooned to sleep....
Today I'm writing this with a sore bottom... I think I won't be able to sit comfortably for several days.
But I love it. I love when each time I sit down, the sore bottom remind me about my dear husband, the effort   he made to discipline me, and how thankful I am to have him.

Waiting for a spanking

Dear diary,
I'm nervous. I'm waiting for a spanking, while my bottom are still sore from 2 spankings yesterday and the day before. Part of me is scared about the pain, hoping Marc will go easy on me... but another big part of me is hoping he will be strict, hoping he won't stop when I ask but just stop when he feel i have had enough, hoping he will take the spanking and discipline things seriously....
Although we were doing this for more than 2 years, but nothing has improved much. I really wish he could read and understand my blogs and other blogs too. Now only me can tell him what I need or how to do it, and it's too much the same as topping from the bottom... I don't like it *sigh*
Continue waiting, and hoping ....

Another try on blogging

Dear diary,

Today, being inspired by Discipline & Dream blog, I've found the courage and interest to open a new blog. 

It has been a long time since I shut down and deleted my first blog about spanking. It was a big failure, first because I had no patience, I was hoping too much for the comments, which was impossible to be many for a new blog (and not an interesting blog though). Obviously, too much hope cause too much disapointing. Another reason might be I was affected too much by other's comments, which couldn't always be nice and supportive.

I really hope this can be a fresh start  for the blogging thing, and might make changes to my life, too. I'm too lonely when having no one to talk with about spankings and discipline.

First, this will just be my diary,where I can put all my thought here.

See you soon, diary.